When A Toxic Family Member Dies, You Don’t Have To Mourn
I ignored a call from my mom a few days ago. When I saw her number on my screen so early, I knew what she was calling: my grandmother, her mother, had died.
She followed up with a text telling me what had happened and asked me to call her. I did not do it.
I replied to her text that I was sorry and expressed my condolences.
She told me that she would be out on the street in the morning to do the ten hour drive alone to attend the funeral and said she would keep me informed of the plan.
I wanted to ask them not to, but I deleted the text as soon as I wrote it.
You are a terrible daughter. This is her mother. Are you so heartless that you don't even feel bad? She drives ten hours alone to attend the funeral and you literally don't care. What's wrong with you?
I had sat with my mother the day before and she told me how sick her mother was and how she took her to the hospice. She rubbed my arm and told me the story and looked sad.
My stomach was spinning and I wanted to run and scream, "I don't care what happens to her!"
However, I did not. I just resorted to my usual beehive breakout and had no appetite for the rest of the day. This is what happens to me when I swallow my feelings.
My grandmother called me one night when I was sixteen to tell me what a terrible person I was. She called me a liar and told me that she would never believe anything I said and that I would go to hell.
My mother knew why she was calling and let me take the call.
I had just broken my silence and told my family that my grandfather (my grandmother's husband) had sexually abused me for as long as I can remember.
I should keep it a secret. In fact, he'd paid me to do it over the years. But I couldn't take it anymore.
I didn't have a close relationship with all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins on this site, rather they left me thinking I would make it up to get attention.
I don't know how I expected them to react because I never thought I'd tell anyone what happened. It came out of me one night and I still remember how hard it was to swallow for hours after yelling it out.
Nobody wants to believe that their husband, father, or uncle is inappropriately touching young children. I cannot imagine myself in this situation, and I have compassion for all family members who have been hurt because of my messages.
But it was his message; his fault; what he did. My grandmother hushed up and lied for him. She did nothing to protect the poor children who endured his abuse. It didn't matter if they shared the same blood. She didn't care if I suffered.
The burden was never mine to carry or repair. I know that now.
I also know where my limits are. I know when I speak to someone on this side of the family it brings up a lot of things for me. Feelings, anger, and a hole in my heart that I always think I've mended until I see a relative and we pretend it never happened.
Abandonment still hurts and the feelings never go away. But I refuse to tease old shit and I suffer from looking like a devoted daughter or a good niece just to break down for my kids.
I have not let myself be ruined by it. It is not a reason for me not to have what I want in life.
I'm not sad that my grandmother - someone who knew exactly what her husband was doing because I wasn't the only one who got in touch - is gone.
I do not mourn them.
I can't act like me and I can't be there for my mother while she's going through this if I want to keep myself. I can not.
I can't even talk to her about it, or be there for her, or pretend I know what to do. Not me.
I gave away enough of myself to keep the peace so I could still have them in my life and in one desperate moment when I needed them they all left me. Including my own mother.
It's confusing not to mourn a toxic family member when they die. I feel for those who lost them. I have compassion for my mother because she lost her mother.
But I can't be there to support them. If I did that, I wouldn't be supporting myself.
It is okay to take care of yourself by moving away from a situation and not being the strong and powerful one who comes in and is there for everyone.
You don't have to grieve for a toxic family member when it's over. You don't have to feel guilty. And you certainly don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
You are not a terrible person; You are a brave person, someone who dares to put yourself and your sanity first.
See the original article on ScaryMommy.com
Click to receive the most important news as a notification!
Rare sale: Apple AirPods Pro are the lowest price they've ever been: Snag $50 off at Amazon
Justice Thomas' wife boosts unsupported claims against Biden
Barack Obama Slams Jared Kushner's Racist Remarks: 'Who Are These Folks?'
Natalie Portman and Devendra Banhart's Breakup Was the End of the '00s Hipster Dream
Illinois governor orders limits on Chicago: no indoor bar or dining service, crowds capped at 25
Teen Mom 2 's Kailyn Lowry Cries as She Reflects on 'Toxic' Relationship with Ex Chris Lopez