I Will Never Know What It Feels Like To ‘Want’ My Mom
My mother stayed home with us when we were little. We'd get up early and she'd be in the kitchen making coffee. The little transistor radio that was in the microwave was always on her favorite station and she always wore the same robe. I would know their smell as soon as I went into the kitchen.
I had a happy childhood. I loved my life In my younger years, my mom was the one I went to when I had a question or wanted to do something. She wasn't strict like my father - but she wasn't particularly loving either. Her personality wasn't a fact; She wasn't cold, mean, or careless, she just always seemed to be in her own little world. I never wanted her.
As a little girl, I knew if I told her something big and exciting it would feel like she didn't hear me. Her words would flow from her mouth as she washed the dishes as if they had been rehearsed.
She said things like, "Oh good," when I told her I had an A in class or that I was selected to star in the play. When I was crowned Snow Queen of the Winter Festival, she sat in the driver's seat and looked ahead and barely smiled when I told her and showed her my crown.
It didn't hurt me ... I don't think so anyway. I just knew that my mother wasn't my person. Her mother was the same with her, and I've found that you only love people as much as you can.
It wasn't my soft place to land. She didn't celebrate me, brag about me to her friends, or seem to be invested in my life. Instead, she always seemed to float through life only semi-consciously, while I was always very intense and felt all my emotions really hard.
Because of this, I was very independent and started working at a young age. I never asked her for help. I didn't want their advice. I didn't go to her for comfort when I was upset with friends or boys.
I had a friend who spent the night in second grade once. As soon as the lights went out, she cried and said she wanted her mother. She went downstairs to call them and her mother picked her up. She was a woman with a heavy southern accent that everyone loved. She hugged her daughter and took her home. That night I couldn't stop thinking about my friend's mother.
I remember wondering how that felt - wanting your mom.
When I went to college, my roommate was very close to her mother and often went home over the weekend to see her. They went to church, shopped, and went to brunch. They were on the phone all the time.
I remember wondering how that felt.
After I had my kids and friends, they'd say things like, "I can't wait for my mom to come over." They needed them to help and care for them - and oh, they did. They just wanted to take their mother's advice and couldn't wait to share this new life with their mother.
I remember wondering how that felt. Wanting your mother at this age, as my friends often said they did.
I now go for weeks, even months, without seeing my mother, even though we live very close. I never miss her. I never want her. We get along well, but there is a distance between us that has never been closed.
I have learned to live my life without wanting or needing my mother. I've searched for my own answers, paid for my own college, wedding, and every other big event in my life. I don't know what it's like to have a mother (like many of my friends) to rely on.
I never think of picking up the phone and asking her something. When she tells me that she misses me or loves me, I say the same to her but don't feel anything.
I was wondering if I really am that heartless. After all, she's my mother. I'm not angry with her, and I certainly don't wish her ill will, but it's like I don't care about her and our relationship.
It's not much of one and I've never felt this bad before.
Maybe I deny Perhaps all of my controlling and fearful behaviors stem from this relationship.
Maybe over the years I've just learned to deal with feeling not wanting her or the lack of feeling that she is the only person in my life I would go to for anything. If you don't experience this as a kid, you just can't get it back.
All I know is that I have a daughter that I love with all my heart. I want her. She want me We need each other in all the ways my friends and their mothers needed each other. And I'll never do anything to make her believe that I am not invested in her or her life.
I look at her every day and think it's okay, you two broke the cycle.
For me this is more important than anything else in the world.
See the original article on ScaryMommy.com
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